HUMOR: JOB VACANCIES IN SWAT

by islamabadobserver
Humor
Emirate of Ameerul Momeneen
Sufi Muhammad, Khalifah-i-Awal, Sawat


JOB VACANCIES IN SWAT

ABOUT US
Emirate was founded and funded in September 2004 by various international intelligence agencies in Sawat and is recently recognized by National Assembly of Pakistan. Our group takes pride in our tradition of successfully delivering numerous projects of Suicide Bombing, School Demolitions, Public Flogging, Closure of Barber and Video Shops, Truck Bomb Attacks, Military Encounters and Gorilla Warfare.
We have a deep understanding of Terrorism industry dynamics, coupled with solid experience in applying emerging technologies like FM Radio, Wireless Communication and IED’s . Anchored on the premise of delivering practical, yet economical Terrorism solutions, our dedicated team of experienced Terrorists ensures that foreign interest are protected at all costs.
Our dynamic team consists of experienced professionals with extensive experience across multiple terrorism techniques. We are committed to helping our foreign clients solve strategic challenges and create opportunities to drive desired goals through Terrorism technology. We are proud to be strategic partners of USA, India, Saudi Arabia and several international intelligence agencies, and will continue to seek value added partnerships in our endeavor to sharpen our Terrorism focus.
As a responsible Terrorist organisation, Emirates is running various community developments and training project for under privileged children in fields of guerilla war, self exploding, use of weapons, taking over public building, speedy justice through public flogging and indiscriminate shooting. A large number of our trainees are successfully running their enterprises of kidnapping for ransom, bank robberies, and cash van lootings, roadside dacoits, vehicle theft, drug and arms smuggling and bomb blasts for foreign clients.
With our expansion plans in progress, we are seeking talented, creative, result-oriented, self-managed and proactive candidates to fill the following challenging and career-building position:
Qazi cum Flogging Experts

Responsibilities

It is a full time multiple role responsibility, the successful candidates shall act as a Qazi/Justice during normal court hours and in after hours carry on flogging, beheadings and guerilla warfare duties as assigned by Ameerul Momeneen. They will report & assist Head Qazi to achieving the vision, mission, objectives & target set for punishments of poor helpless citizens by TNSM Shoora to create an environment of terror and fear. The successful candidates will order hanging of bodies with polls for any period as to their discretion, blowing up shrines, digging graves and punishing dead and alive without mercy. Sharia shall remain a major cover but any order of Shoora shall be treated as a law even if it is against teachings of Islam and Sharia,.

Requirements:

Candidate must have a certificate of training from Taliban recognized Madrassah or group backed by CIA/RAW. No formal education or knowledge of law is required;
The candidate must have at least 10 years practical experience of terrorist activities in Afghanista, Pakistan or successfully undergone RAW’s training program;
Candidates with Experience in public flogging, beheading or punishing women in Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan will be given preference;
Candidates should be expert in use of light and heavy weapons, developing suicide jackets, IED, Truck bomb and conducting road blocks;
All candidate should demonstrate their willingness to abide by Taliban dress code and rituals;
Ability to implement laws of Emirates without application of mind and in disregard of Islamic teachings. The focus should be on maximum and harsh punishments to terrorize people, religion or humanity are not important

Selection Process;

Candidates should walk in for interview with their application written by hand on dry leaves or hides in head office of Emirate, applications written on paper shall not be considered;
Do not attach photo’s, applications with a photographs shall not be considered;
At time of interview candidate must cover face with black cloth or use medical mask dyed in black color;
Practical test includes demonstration of skills of live shooting, beheading and flogging, Emirates will provide living women and children for tests;
Weapons test includes an excellent speed of killing and accuracy of hitting girls schools with RPG’s. Half hour test will be carried live any city of Pakistan;
All candidates should demonstrate ability of assembling suicide jackets, IED and exploding bridges, cars and public buildings.

We Offer:

Free stay in a any house candidate wishes to occupy after killing or ejecting the residents;
A luxury stolen 4×4 with facility of free fuel from any gas station, successful candidates can also take away cash on gun point from gas stations;
This job is purely commission based, the successful candidates will get 20% commission from robberies or kidnapping for ransom assigned to them after ‘court’ hours;
All successful candidates will be allowed to choose any women in area for marriage, in case; women is already married, her husband should first be killed or forced to divorce her as required by Emirates law;
All successful candidates will be allowed to smuggle arms and drugs under protection of Emirate and will share 50% of revenue;
All successful candidates will be allowed to run part time business of stolen cars or smuggled electronics.
Best performing candidates will be assigned ‘overseas projects’ opportunities by Ameerul Momeneen as empire expands;
Top 100 performers of the year will be blessed with a ‘one way ticket to havens’ through suicide missions.
A comprehensive social security plan includes recruitment of suicide bomber’s or dead employee’s children in force and complementary marriage with his widow by a fellow terrorist.
All assignments for successful candidates are legal and covered under Nizam Adal Act passed by National Assembly of Pakistan and duly signed by President.

For further information contact;

Mullah Rockety;
Secretary Recruitments;
Emirate of Ameerul Momeneen Maulana Sufi Muhammad;
Khalifah-i-Awal Sawat.